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Here's our beloved collection of some random funny shit we've overheard or read somewhere in our day.  Are they made up?  No, of course not.  Just another little slice of America, Massachusetts-style. So I guess it's a little slice of Massachusetts. 

- compiled by tom & shawn, with contributions from jamie

"Oooh look: a Dreamworks moon!"

- a 10-year-old girl in the backseat of my car

"Don't look at my privates while I'm changing."
"Okay, I won't."
[several seconds of silence]
"How about if I show you mine and you show me yours?"
"Okay."
[several more seconds of silence]
"Hey! They're exactly the same!"
"Yeah! Well... almost... except mine's bigger."

- two 8-year-old boys overheard as they were changing into their bathing
suits in the same tent while camping

"So what's your pronoun situation?"

- young woman chatting with her possibly soon-to-be transgendered companion? Christ, I dunno.
Northampton, MA (course) 2002

"Some people say saccharin causes cancer. Those people are idi-oats."

-Teenybopper girl at Easthampton Diner Restaurant 2002

"Hey, you know, I've said some bad stuff about black people before and i'd
just like to apologize to you right now."

- mildly retarded white man walking up to a very black man. Bart's,
Northampton, 2002

Question: "Hey. How's it going?"
Answer: "Oh, I can't complain. Who'd pay to hear that?"

- Tom talking to a homeless guy panhandling for money, downtown Northampton, 2001

"Maybe you should get a running start."

- A certain young lady offering advice to a handicapped wheelchair-bound man trying to roll up the curb in front of Store24 because somebody illegally parked in front of the little ramp.
Haverhill, 2000

"If your painter would learn to speak english, he'd understand what you want better."

- two rich whore middle-aged twats talking about home improvement.
Northampton MA, 1998

Man speaking to young son: "Mom's got an apple pie for ya at home. What're ya gonna do with it? Ha ha!"
Then to wife: "He's about ready for a bar of soap."

- dad talking to wife and son about the movie "American Pie"
Florence MA, 2000

"Looks like Jack's off heh-heh."

- Old man, upon hearing Jack the bassett hound was off his leash
Haverhill, 1995

"I redrew Merlin. Basically Sean Connery from 'Medicine Man'. That's what Merlin should look like."

- comic book artist
Northampton, 2000

"He used to visit me, periodically, for about six years after he died."

- a woman speaking about her deceased father at the Haymarket. The other two women at her table (one of whom was wearing a "stars and moons" scarf) had similar stories to relate.
Northampton, 1998

Kid: "Want ketchup wit that, mister?"
Then, muttering to the cash register while shaking his head: "'at's some fucked up shit, man."
And as he hand me back my change: "You want ketchup wit that, mister?"

- the kid at the Burger King drive-thru window
Northampton, 1998

Old Guy #1: "Hey! Don't I know you?"
Old Guy #2: "Yeah.  Didn't we go to different schools together?"

- Two old guys saying hello at Flo's Diner, Florence MA.

PERSON A: "What do you expect me to think? I've been waiting!"
PERSON B: "I'm SORRY! I had to find my wallet!"
PERSON A: "I don't know. I don't know about this whole 'lost wallet' thing. How would YOU like it?"
PERSON B: "I had to find it. I was on a mission to find it."
PERSON A: "Promise me swear on your grandmother's life, I mean, she'll die if
you're lying, swear no one sent you here! There are things going on!"
PERSON B: "I swear!"
PERSON A: "Really?"
PERSON B: "I swear."
PERSON A: "I'm livid. You could've called!"
PERSON B: "I lost my wallet. How are you?"
PERSON A: "I'm fine, you know. Actually there's a huge, I mean big thing, going on right now
and I'm not sure I can trust you.  Boy, you've got an angry message on YOUR machine."
PERSON B: "Ha-ha."

- Haymarket Coffehouse (Northampton), 1998

Girl #1: "Let's go in the store and pretend we have Tourette's Syndrome."
Girl #2: "Ha-Ha. Okay."

- Two girls walking down the street, Northampton, 2001

"I feel like I have an arid landscape inside me."

- Awoman sitting at the Haymarket. She wants to write a novel, or be an actress, but maybe write a biography about an old woman jazz singer and her role as a female entertainer in the 20th century.

"Hey.  Lynyrd Skynyrd? 'Sweet Home Alabama'? Cool. Thanks."

- Guy calling into a radio station.

"Sammy Davis?"
"Yep."
"Junior?"
"Yep."
"The black guy?"
"Uh huh."
"The singer?  The one who does Mr. Bojangles?"
"The one and only."
"Is JEWISH???"
"That's what I read somewhere."
"How the hell can he be Jewish if he's black?"

- two custodians at Smith College

"Jigging Crappie Kandy"

- from the cover of "Fly Fisherman", July 2000

"I need to tell him to step off the curb and cool his jets."

- guy on the payphone outside a Dunkin Donuts. His car, featuring a license plate stating "TAIKWON", had 3 extra antennas and four extra headlights.

"Confusion of causality is a vast mine of comedic potential"

- Shawn, 2001

"...one started making a chai, then another came along and finished a ginger spritzer..."

- the type of thing that only people in Northampton would say and then laugh at.

Old guy walks up to young couple sitting at diner booth: "Hi, Chris!"
Young guy in booth, embarrassed: "It's 'Dan'."
Old guy, still friendly: "Ah, right church, wrong pew, right?"

- Miss Florence Diner, (Florence) 2001

"I'll try and spread it."

- delivery guy, in reference to his positive attitude due to
his attendance at a Mardi Gras parade in Burlington VT

"I pooped."

- little boy at the Sit Down Diner. Amherst, 2001

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