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Nick Cage ain't got nothing on JW Zablooski. Eh. JB Wackowski. Eh, I'll have to look that up later. Anyway, the '75 movie rocks. By this, I do not mean "good", which is what I like to say about movies that are directed and written and have real actors in them. But this film nonetheless rocks, with stiff line reading, outrageously poor disguises, and of course, great car smashing. This is one of those movies where the title of the movie actually appears in the film. Not in the dialogue, mind you, but rather, on the side of a blimp. You know, one of those movies. There is barely a love story, sort of a double-cross, and mere hints that the characters might have personalities. Fucking what a perfect movie.

WWJD? - What Would Jerry Do?
Let's take a closer look at how the modern concept of remaking older films invariably goes horribly awry.

1. TOO MUCH OF AN ATTEMPT AT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: No one cares about Nick Cage trying to go straight, his brother being in trouble, or his promise to his mother or whatever. In the original, these dudes are just car thieves. They steal cars, and by all indications, rather enjoy it. That works for me.

2. TOO MUCH OF AN ATTEMPT AT PLOT: The Cage version takes forever to get anywhere, leaving the viewer with nothing to do but check out Angelina Jolie, which admittedly, ain't so bad. Love story: unimportant. Brother in trouble: irrelevant. Just DRIVE, goddamnit! The original chucks the plot at your head pretty quickly, Hong Kong style. It also utilizes a very interesting - albeit not particularly well-executed - use of voiceover and montage.

3. TOO MUCH OF AN ATTEMPT AT CHARACTER MOTIVATION: Trying to make the Shelby in the Cage version seem like a big deal is sort of stupid. Most of the Cage version is sort of stupid. But I enjoyed it sort of anyway. Maybe it was the air conditioning at the theatre. It was very hot that day.

4. THE MUSTANG: While the 2000 remake chose a model year I generally like more than the original's, it was one of those restomod Shelby things, which I think look quite ass-y. (Can I say "ass-y"?) I dug the later model Mach in the original ("last of the mustangs...") because it was a straight-ahead badass. Not that I'd drive one, it being yellow, but I respect it. In one sequence, it lands a jump on it's front bumper, and the front end doesn't even snap! Damn! Maybe a little flex. Try holding that up to any jump scene in the Dukes of Hazzard. Those dudes snapped Chargers in half like Jesus broke bread.

5. JERRY BRUCKHEIMER SUCKS: This man and his crew have no concept of storytelling or showing action in a cohesive way. It's sort of embarrassing. The remake was written by Scott Rosenberg (Con Air) and directed by TV-commercial veteran Dominic Sena (oh, and Kalifornia. There was a fucking gem.), They should concentrate on patriotic propaganda films to show troops overseas. They can bring across the manly pursuit of having a big cock, and that's about it.

WDJN? - What Did Jerry Nail?
Now that I've just slammed the man and his movie, I'd like to mention that the cocaine scene was great, compliments of Robert Duvall. The end chase wasn't horrible, it was just edited by some MTV chimp. The original filmmakers managed to capture a certain reality to car chases in their own unpolished way. In terms of casting, the above-mentioned Ms. Jolie and Mr. Duvall were welcome additions to the cast. I generally like Cage while hating most of his career, but I guess that's why he's a star. Giovanni Ribosi has sort of freaked me out since Dances with the Postman. Especially that scene where he whips his penis out in that convienience store parking lot to show it to that guy from Office Space. Thankfully, Jerry didn't try to reproduce the car full of totally baked black kids looking for a party. If he had, I'm sure he would have gotten Chris Rock and whatever Wayans were available. - tom sept.16.01

PS: "Halicki". "HB Halicki".

NO-SHADOW KICK ? No. Actually, there's very little human-to-human contact at all.

MONKS? No monks in this movie, either. I'm beginning to wonder why we bother asking at all.

BEST LINE: pretty much anything the black kids in the car said, as they were the best actors in the movie.

COOL OLD CARS? Of course there were, numb-nuts. Generally good taste. I personally liked more of the regular ol' cars in the backgrounds. Great cop cars, too. They didn't possess the powerful aura of the Ford cruisers from White Lightning, but they still looked cool, and flipped over really well.

VIDEO BOX ART: sweet jesus take my eyes.

OWN IT?: Totally. I got mine at a video store going out of business, but have since learned it has been reissued. Please note the reissue still has crappy packaging, but now it's hip and updated crap for the new millenium.

IF WE WROTE FOR MAD MAGAZINE: Bored in :60 Seechhonds

SEE ALSO: Beastie Boys Sabotage video, French Connection

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